Tsouris translates as trouble, distress, heartburn from the outcome of a stressful situation.  It’s a feeling to be avoided at all costs.

Well, it’s what those hallowed Tobacco Road superschools are feeling these days. At least that’s what right minded observers of the sports scene and any college hoops or pigskin fan who hates that duo of ACC powers is hoping for. There are times when schadenfreude is legit. This is one.

Duke and North Carolina, come on down. It’s your moment on the hot seat. Let’s pray the register is cranked to 11.

Before we get into the generalities of these rule-breaking situations, a musical interlude to set the scene. Cue the lip-syncing Nashville Teens.

Okay, where were we? Oh yes, breakin’ the rules in Durham and Chapel Hill. I know, it is hard hard hard to believe, but, as Lilly von Shtupp confirmed in “Blazing Saddles,” “It’s twu, it’s twu.”

Seems they made up courses at Carolina. Athletes got grades for classes they never had to attend. Classes that never actually existed. 54 of them. Etc, etc. Need I be more specific? Well, I could, but I won’t. Pretty egregious stuff. Somebody mentioned that the NCAA investigator was a Tar Heel grad. That one of the “advisors” in the school department where these fake classes existed was football star Julius Peppers’ agent.

Yes I know, pretty nasty stuff. Which means that North Carolina Asheville best be aware. Your tennis team is about to be gobsmacked for giving the players a couple extra bucks to eat at McD’s after an away match.

And now it seems that the Holiest of the Holy — Coach K’s always clean as a freshly scrubbed baby’s tush Duke Blue Devils — may not have washed behind the ears. (Where did that Maggette kid go?) Lance Thomas, a member of Duke’s last NCAA title team decided in advance that some baubles, bangles and beads would be appropriate to celebrate. So he put down $30 Large on a a hundred grand’s worth of bling.

Then, he couldn’t come up with the rest, so the jeweler to the stars sued Thomas for the balance on the loan, which might not have been available to normal students at the university. Which means the rest of us now know of his affection for black diamonds. And that he was surely getting some carry around cash from somewhere way in excess of the sanctioned meal and laundry moolah allowed.

So those of us taken to disliking Carolina and Duke because of their inherent sanctimonious ways, and how Dickie V slobbers over them like a new grand baby, are just pleased as punch to see those schools squirming.

Oh yes, a warning to North Carolina Central. The NCAA is going to be put in a box, forced to come down hard because of Duke’s transgressions. Be afraid, NCC. be very afraid.

I love how the article in Sporting News about the UNC situation refers to the man who went on national TV to come down with terrible swift sword on Penn State — NCAA prexy Mark Emmert — as Mr. Big Stick.

So, yeah, Mr. Big Stick, it seems like it’s time to start swingin’ that thang.

Did I mention there’s stuff goin’ down at NC State. Does the name Rodney Purvis sound familiar? Hmm, may be more carcinogens along Tobacco Road than even the Surgeon General suspected.

* * * * *

Tip o’ the ballcap to Andy Murray. He stayed the course despite adversity in the wind-riven US Open final and bested Novak Djokovic in 5 sets over 5 hours for his first Grand Slam W. The first for a tennis player from the British Isles since Fred Perry in ’36.

A month ago, he won the Olympic gold medal at centre court Wimbledon.

So, it seems fair to say he’s had the most wonderful summer of his life. Which phraseology allows me to link in one of my guilty favorite songs. Robin Ward, sing it girl.

* * * * *

The NFL is back. And we football fans love that, right?

But I gotta admit. I’m having a hard time watching these LBs and DBs launching themselves like missiles at guys carrying the ball and receivers who have just caught a pass and, most especially, receivers who didn’t just catch a pass. There was a lot of head to head contact this weekend.

Gratuitous on field violence doesn’t sit well with me.

Then again, these are rollerball gladiators who play with torn spleens.

* * * * *

Finally, kudos to my NASCAR fave, Jeff Gordon. He slipped into The Chase after a second place finish at Richmond.

– Seedy K

The general belief here in America is that the team got a royal international screw job in Munich.

I’ve just watched the end of the game again, done a smidge of research and believe the US has nobody to blame but themselves for the loss. The situation is not as black and white as the players who still don’t want their silver medals believe.

And it goes back further than the moment when Illinois State’s Doug Collins hit two go-ahead free throws with :03 on the clock. Even before the players, tired of the slow down offense mandated by old and in the way coach Hank Iba, decided mid 4th quarter it was time to get moving and score some points.

Consider this.

The only consensus ’72 All-America on the US team was Long Beach State’s Ed Ratleff.

Remember this was the pre-pro era. Bill Walton. Not on the team. Dwight Lamar. Not on the team. Jim Chones. Not on the team. Bob McAdoo. Not on the team. Henry Bibby. Not on the team. U of L’s Jim Price, Kansas Jayhawk Bud Stallworth. All together now: Not on the squad.

The mediocre — at best — conglomeration included stiff Tom Burleson, Juco Thomas Henderson, Mike Bantom, Kevin Joyce and a gang of other not ready for prime time amateurs.

I say the gold medal was lost when the team and coach were chosen. America’s ill-advised hubris had the muckety mucks in charge of choosing them believing they could simply throw any gang of ballers out on the court coached by a Joey Meyer-caliber mentor and they’d win as long as it said USA across the chest of their jerseys.

Which is to say the red, white and blue should have been up 20 as the game wound down. Old fart coach. Mediocre players. Didn’t happen.

As for that interminable, played-thrice final three seconds. The first stoppage came when the officials finally called a timeout the Russians were trying to get as early as during Collins’ second charity toss. Listen to the tape. The buzzer was sounding. It’s a legit argument that said stoppage was okay.

The second stoppage came when a zebra allowed play to start before the scorer’s table had time to reset the clock to three seconds.

And then with 7-5 Burleson sitting on the bench, and Maryland’s Tom McMillen not challenging the inbounds pass, a length of the floor pass and the Russkies laid in the winning points uncontested. In the name of Christian Laettner, stop the ball. Play some D.

Take the silver medals. Let the silver medals sit in a Swiss band vault. I don’t care. I just don’t want to here any more crap about how the US deserves those gold medals.

– Seedy K

With Charlie Strong at the helm, U of L had once again become “a football school.”Or, so we’d joke after a disappointing hoops L.

We knew — and still know — that it really isn’t the case. Nor will it ever be, though we’d all love our school to become a major playah on the national gridiron scene. Keeping our fingers crossed.

I thought about the prospect — U of L considered among the Crimson Tides and Buckeyes — while listening to Tony Vanetti, who was sitting in last Friday night on WHAS evening sports call-in show. A reporter was on the scene at U of L’s practice fields for an opening night report.

But, they talked almost as much about the Trinity scrimmage the same night, from which they were also going to file live on-the-air reports.

You think the media guys in Tuscaloosa and Ann Arbor were talking high school football during their reports from Alabama’s and Michigan’s practices?

Just wondering.

* * * * *

Whither Mangok Mathiang?

* * * * *

I haven’t been able to watch any of the Olympics today. So, there might have been more scintillating action from London.

I’ll stand by my Facebook post during the latter stages of regulation of USA’s stunning W over Canada on the ladies’ futbol pitch. It was as exciting a game as any I’ve viewed in any sport for a long time.

Canada up 1 nil. Yanks tie it early in the 2d. Canada retaliates a couple minutes later for a 2-1 lead. The red, white and blue respond to knot it. Just a few ticks of the game clock later, that Sinclair gal completes her hat trick. Canada, 3-2. Penalty kick after a questionable hand ball ties it again.

Two regulation OT periods. No score.

With 150 seconds of a three minute injury time extension gone, US heads in the winner.

The flip side of the coin — for America’s fans, that is — came in men’s volleyball.

The Yanks were up two sets to love in the best of five match. With match point. And the Russkies came back to win it.

Unfortunately, Major “King” Kong (Slim Pickens) wasn’t there to give our boys his pep talk from “Dr. Strangelove”:

Well, boys, I reckon this is it – nuclear combat toe to toe with the Roosskies. Now look, boys, I ain’t much of a hand at makin’ speeches, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggone important is goin’ on back there. And I got a fair idea the kinda personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinkin’. Heck, I reckon you wouldn’t even be human bein’s if you didn’t have some pretty strong personal feelin’s about nuclear combat. I want you to remember one thing, the folks back home is a-countin’ on you and by golly, we ain’t about to let ‘em down. I tell you something else, if this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I’d say that you’re all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing’s over with. That goes for ever’ last one of you regardless of your race, color or your creed. Now let’s get this thing on the hump – we got some flyin’ to do.

Then he went out and took care of business made sure himself the job was done.

* * * * *

The word that comes to mind when considering Usain Bolt.

Fast.

Very, very fast.

– Seedy K

This Sunday morn, most of you, instead of catching Australia’s shoot out W over China in women’s water polo, probably watched almost homie Andy Murray win on centre court in Wimbledon Part Deux. (More on Roger Federer’s performance in a moment.)

Good for Murray. Good for Great Britain. God Save The Queen.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t keep my eyes off the “competition” at Insight 971 (NBC Sports f/k/a Versus).

* * * * *

The quotes around the word “competition” were obviously on purpose. Is an event really sport if the outcome is decided by judges rather than abject athletic superiority at the moment? To paraphrase my nemesis Dave, “I don’t watch anything where they don’t keep score, or there isn’t a finish line.”

So much for Dave and diving. And gymnastics. And synchronized swimming. And dressage. (I wonder if he watches gun shooting or archery, where steely nerves and some talent are necessary, but athleticism is far from a requirement?)

More’s the pity for him. And you, if you are of the opinion that it is stupid to watch a couple of hot babes wearing stupid looking — but absolutely necessary — nose pinchers and Peter Max-colored unis with Jerry Lewis-vaselined hair, doing pirouettes upside down inside and above water level in a pool in unison.

I am now of the opinion that synchronized swimmers are as good athletically as any other competing in any sport in these games. What they do — as silly as it may look, despite its balletic presence — takes strength, talent, perseverance, power, stamina and lots and lots of practice. “Six hours a day in the pool,” advised the expert commentator, who seemed to know what she was talking about.

I can’t tell you who won. I’m not discerning enough to tell the slight differences between those who won medals and those who didn’t. Nor do I consider as much “competition” as I do “performance.” But I forget from one four year cycle to another what amazing jocks these gals are.

* * * * *

Roger Federer, who captured Wimbledon just a fortnight ago against today’s foe Andy Murray, lost the Gold in straight sets.

I didn’t watch from the beginning, tuning in when he was down a set and way behind in the second. But as pungent as Murray’s shot placement was, the best tennis player ever looked listless, almost disinterested. (I know he looks like that even when playing well, but today seemed different.)

So, I gotta ask, was Roger, in deference to the importance of this match to Murray on his home turf, getting in touch with his inner Chinese Table Tennis player?

I guess I’m sure Federer wasn’t throwing the match. But when it became obvious that it was going to be Murray’s day, RF seemed to slow down a beat.

* * * * *

The real contemplation of this year’s Team USA Hoops is not whether the LeBrons are as good or better than the Dream Team — which they are absolutely, positively not — but whether they are as good and dominant as Gene Auriemma’s Angel-led women’s team?

* * * * *

So, I gotta ask.

You think the sell out crowds and complete coverage of women’s beach volleyball by NBC has anything to do with the ladies’ skimpy “uniforms”?

Just wondering?

Missy “The Missle” Franklin, come on down.

The teen queen swimmer from Colorado won the 100-backstroke about 45 seconds after heat qualifying in another race. She has a Julia Roberts smile, travels with her teddy bear — no relation to “Ted” I hope — went to her prom like any other normal teen, turned down endorsements so she can swim in college, makes all As, hasn’t outgrown Justin Bieber and will soon be seen, I’m so sure, on a box of Wheaties at your neighborhood grocery store.

She accepts her size 13 feet with that smile a time zone wide.

She is a winner. She is a sweetheart.

Then she lost the next night.

So the Darling du Jour became Allison Schmitt, who took off a year from school and trained with that Phelps guy, who has now won more Olympic medals. Than anyone. Ever.

Anyway, truth is neither of those swimmers has been the distaff Olympic U.S. teen Star of Stars, no matter the NBC schmaltz.

That would be Maggie Steffens.

Steffens is 19 and will be a freshman water polo player — and student — this fall at Stanford.

In her Olympic debut, she scored 7 goals for the U.S. in their 14-13 W over Hungary. The double hat trick +1 tied the Olympic record for most goals in a game.

Her favorite actor is Johnny Depp. Her favorite song is “anything by Michael Jackson.” Her favorite present ever was a giant Butterfinger in her Christmas stocking at age 4.

Missy meet Maggie. Maggie, Missy.

Bob Costas, Ryan Seacrest, let the gushing commence.

* * * * *

Is it my imagination, or has political correctness become a bigger story than medal count?

Okay, not really, but what gives?

A male Argentinian field hockey star was suspended for some comment he made about the UK — United Kingdom not Kentucky Wildcats — the Iron Lady and the Falkland Islands take back. Which was, what, 30 years ago? Other athletes too, a guy from Switzerland, maybe, of all places. And journalists. And a Muslim guard.

Just play the game.

* * * * *

Speaking of field hockey, the US was huge yesterday, shutting down favorite Argentina.

1 zed on a Shannon Taylor goal.

* * * * *

I would be remiss at this juncture, were I to fail to mention Mangok Mathiang.

He is not a Pakistani weightlifter. Nor a South Korean table tennis star. Nor a member of Gabon’s futbol team.

He’s Rick Pitino’s latest “find.”

Talk about out of the blue. Just when you think the Cards need a point guard, The Rickster goes and signs another center.

????

* * * * *

You got my proxy on Dressage.

And the rest of those horse events too.

* * * * *

Still hot for White Water Rafting and Team Handball. Though I can name no names nor provide any results. They’re super fun to watch. Without fawning announcers. Like those “Toddlers & Tiaras” rejects who are providing fawning analysis nightly during the gymnastic competition.

By the way, Jordan Weiber, you want to compete in the Individual All-Around? Score more points than your opponents.

* * * * *

Mo’ later. I’m goin’ to meet some guys for lunch.

– Seedy K

Then some guy gets pissed when it’s his turn at karaoke the other night at a club on Bardstown Road, and he starts popping caps at folks in the street.

So I guess the security thing is a wash, and that shtick is best left unstated.

* * * * *

Hot futbol goalie Hope Solo with her great name and comely good looks has been set to be one of the PR winners coming out of these games. The Wheaties folks are ready for her solo. Get it?

Then she tests positive for some drug. An “honest mistake” she says. And on Twitter, she lambasts former soccer hero Brandi Chastain for her reasonable TV commentary.

Hope may be a hottie, but she’s looking high maintenance to me. Shut your trap, darlin’, and play the game.

* * * * *

For some inexplicable reason yesterday (Saturday), I didn’t get into watching any of the competition live in real time.

Well, that’s not exactly true. I tried to sign in online to watch the heralded Lochte vs. Phelps 400 IM smackdown. I never could get it. The software wouldn’t recognize my Insight account. I’m a reasonably bright fellow when it comes to computers, and I simply could never get hooked up.

So, well aware of the cloying Americentric coverage NBC was going to deliver in prime time, I turned in anyway.

Before I fell asleep in my recliner — sooner rather than later — I was taken aback by one very weird phenomenon: The announcers’ hair.

Bob Costas’ coif has obviously been dyed a dark brown. The kind of color that’s off just enough to be totally noticeable and out of kilter.

John McEnroe’s greying hair is now surfer blonde. Really John? And his interview with Ryan Lochte was inane.

I’m not sure exactly why Ryan Seacrest is part of Olympic coverage, but I’ll say this. Even if his interview with Michael Phelps and his mom and his sisters was infantile, the new Dick Clark’s hair was pommaded and perfect.

* * * * *

Could somebody explain to me why female volleyballers feel compelled to hug each other after every single point?

* * * * *

The first truly laudable performance of the Olympics was produced by legally blind South Korean archer Im Dong-hyun.

He broke his own world record in the 72 arrow event with a score of 699. (Don’t ask for a comparison to some other sport. I haven’t a clue, but, hey a world record is, like, you know, the best that’s ever been.)

The guy has 10% vision in one eye, 20% in the other.

I’m impressed.

Which is not to mention that he can sense the bull’s eye, but doesn’t have to worry about seeing Bob Costas’ and Johnny Mac’s hairdos.

– Seedy K

I’ve been blindsided by the commencement of Olympic competition . . . without my requisite cache of beverages, chips, dips and DiGiorno in the freezer or Delivery on speed dial or both. Woe is me.

Soccer has started. Yesterday, the US Women Soccer team bested France after a slow beginning. (With Brandi Chastain in the booth, wearing her blouse, I assume.) Japan has upset Men’s Soccer favorite Spain, 1 nil in Group play. I’m currently enthralled with Switzerland vs. Gabon in a contentious futbol match, tied 1-1 in the second.

Thus the games of this 2012 London Olympiad, the first there since ’48 — when The Baron’s Wildcats plus a couple of guys battered France 65-21 for the hoops Gold — have begun.

And I thought nothing started before Bob Costas’ cloying commentary during the Orange Bowl halftime-ish Opening Ceremonies, which the Peacock will replay in prime time tomorrow night.

Guess I’ll have to slip out for my cache of refreshments later this evening during a break in the action.

I hope the Peacock, with all its participating stations, televises the minor sports we never see. Those are the ones I crave. Even if the U.S. of A. hasn’t qualified. Like Team Handball. Plus there’s Badminton, Table Tennis and Trampoline. And, soccer, for which the Americans are nowhere to be found.

If you want to see the daily TV schedule, you can find it here.

* * * * *

Harvey Araton in the New York Times has written an interesting piece, comparing the football situation at Penn State to that at Kentucky when Rick Pitino was hired by C.M. Newton to resurrect the basketball program.

As Araton correctly points out, it’s far less onerous to revive hoops where one or two five-stars can immediately provide fresh oxygen, but his comparison of the two situations is legitimate.

* * * * *

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that my Detroit Tigers have won 8 of their last 10 and have caught the ChiSox atop the AL Central. Ace Justin Verlander takes the mound today in a series closer with Cleveland.

I happened to catch the end of last night’s Reds’ game, in which Cincy yet again came back in the 9th to win their 7th in a row to maintain a 2 1/2 lead over Pittsburgh’s surprising Pirates.

Have I mentioned that Jim Kelch, former Louisville Bats and U of L Women’s Basketball announcer, has a great baseball voice and is a really good announcer? Probably so.

* * * * *

Dwight Howard, shut up and go away.

* * * * *

Speaking of Penn State, the utterance of which name shall now resonate like Watergate or Chappaquiddick, here’s the surest sign yet that things are just the same as they ever was.

LSU has offered a scholarship to a prospect who, at its football camp, ran an impressive 4.46 forty.

Dylan Moses is his name.

In a few weeks he’ll be entering the 8th grade.

So it goes.

– Seedy K

So obsessively packed full of information is this, it allows me to actually write as if I know something.

$14.25 and cheap at twice the price.

Which is to say, despite this summer’s heat wave, I’m gettin’ ready for some football. (Though, while walking my pooch today, and shvitzing through my clothes after about two hundred yards, I was reminded of the abysmal Fahrenheit at the opening game at Papa J’s. Hopefully, this summer’s heat will have abated by UK/ U of L kickoff.)

* * * * *

U of L’s hoops season turned a little more sketchy today when it became clear that PG Terry Rozier didn’t qualify. Given Peyton Siva’s propensity to reach in for stupid fouls, a backup at point is paramount.

Russ Smith, come on down.

* * * * *

The debate over Penn State’s sanctions is ranging from one extreme to the other.

Too little.

Way too much.

I don’t know that I have anything new to add. Something needed to be done. And so it has been. A lesson needed to be taught, a statement made. And so it has been.

I am somewhat bemused by the position that the NCAA is all of a sudden proving its power. If it were so powerful in college football, there would be a 16 team playoff. But it ain’t gonna happen until Mike Slive says it can happen. And he ain’t talkin’ like that.

* * * * *

The reflections on JoePa are also skittish. So many swallowed his Kool Aid for so long, it’s stunning for those to believe that, when confronted with a situation where character shows, he proved not to have nearly as much as he would have us believe.

That said, as Bob Ryan mentioned one night on PTI, who knows how we’d react were we in the same situation. Or how would Bear Bryant or Coach K or John Wooden or Nick Saban or . . . you get my drift?

* * * * *

All of which chatter makes me think of Charlie Strong, who is, by all accounts and observation, the man we thought Joe Paterno was.

So decent does Strong appear to be, I pray it to be true.

* * * * *

I’m not sure I care so much about USA basketball in the Olympics.

That said . . . I am here late on a sunny July afternoon watching them play Spain in an exhi in my favorite city in the world, Barcelona.

The Uncle Sammies are down 13-2s as I write. Spain has hit three wide open dunks in a row then a long jumper.

– Seedy K