A Screendoor From Hell: Friday’s Report

I’m in Augusta, Georgia for a wedding.

Now I know why The Masters is played in April. Why the rumor is that Augusta National closes for the summer months.

Think Butchertown on the hottest August afternoon you remember. Then square it and multiply¬† that number by 2. That’s how hot it was when I went out for my early morning jog.

They say the summer weather here is a screen door from hell. It’s as apt a metaphor as I’ve ever heard.

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On the way into town, we drove by Augusta National. It’s along a road that reminded me of Elvis Presley Boulevard. Here’s this iconic mecca on one side of the road. While the other is a commercialized to the max, Shelbyville Road style. At least until Hootie and the other white men that run this incredibly private and mysterious mens golfing club buy up all the property as far as the eye can see.

The course is surrounded by tall fences and tall greenery. There is minimal signage. They, uh, don’t give tours. Yes, this is it. Now go away and don’t bother us.

These linksters want to be left alone. And they don’t even want you to ask . . . anything about anything.

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Speaking of a screen door from hell, those in charge of college football have already busted through that door. Colorado led the way. Nebraska wants to play with Ohio State and the Hoosiers. The Texas and Oklahoma schools are about to bolt . . . somewhere.

Yes, kids, it’s money grabbing hell out there.

The true carnage is yet to be revealed.

Kansas, Missouri? Mountain West with Boise?

Then the Big Ten will look east. And the Louisville’s of the world are liable to be standing outside the candy store, their faces pressed longingly against the window pane.

It makes me want to puke.

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There’s lot more to talk about. The problem is I’m staying at an historic hotel, and the wireless internet connection is plodding along at pony express speed.

So I’m going to take my leave and weigh in on all that’s going on in college sports, when I get back to town and I’m sure it will upload in a reasonable time.

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Before I go, a shout out to Pete Carroll, who is “shocked, just shocked,” he tells us, “that Southern Cal has been penalized.” Of course, his statement was issued in Seattle, where he’s been hiding from the punishment.

– Seedy K

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